On Long Island Counseling, we talked about how divorce is not a four letter word. How, in couples counseling, although every effort will be made to save a relationship, there are situations in which you and your partner genuinely, objectively, and emotionally are not compatible:
- Maybe you were attracted to the wrong people because of past trauma.
- Maybe you struggled with attachment issues.
- Maybe you did not know how to get out of the relationship.
- Maybe you did not have enough self-love.
No matter the cause, there are those that end up in marriages that were not meant to be, and couples counseling – while it is the most objectively successful way to save a struggling relationship – cannot, and *should* not, save a marriage where both partners are incompatible with each other.
If you decide to get a divorce, provided you are doing so objectively and have considered other options, then that may be what was needed to help you get to your next step.
Still, while the focus on that piece is why divorce is *not* a four letter word, there are also situations where it absolutely is one.
Why You Shouldn’t Talk About Divorce in a Marriage
In couples counseling, if we determine that a marriage is not meant to be, divorce may be a next step. But when you’re in a marriage you WANT to be in – a marriage where you are compatible, but perhaps there is conflict that you’re working through – the word “divorce” is something else entirely.
For relationships to work, there has to be trust that both partners are going to be there for one another. There has to be a belief that the marriage is not going to end. That belief is what helps motivate people to change, overcome conflict, listen, and more.
When one or both partners start throwing the word “divorce” around, the dynamic changes:
- Partners may no longer believe the relationship is going to last forever.
- Partners may not trust that the other partner will be there for them in the future.
- Partners may start to consider the idea more and more seriously, even if the initial use of the word was out of anger.
When a couple does want to be together, and they do feel like their relationship is important to them, then “divorce” *is* a 4 letter word. It is something that should be avoided in most contexts, so as not to crumble the foundation of love and trust that helps your relationship work. If you’re starting to use the term “divorce,” even as a joke, to describe challenges in your relationship, you open the door to further problems – opening a box that may not be easily closed.
Couples Counseling to Work Through Challenges
“Divorce” should not be a threat. It should be something that a couple only does and talks about when they are serious about it, and once it’s been talked about, the couple should first consider couples counseling or individual relationship counseling to determine if it is something they are serious about, or something that is “not an option” based on the way they want their future to be.
In those situations, using the term “divorce” to describe your future in any way should be avoided, to reduce future conflict and keep trust in the relationship strong.
