One of the advantages of being in a committed relationship of some kind is knowing that you can lean on your partner – that you can trust that your partner will help carry some of the load that life brings your way. We trust that our partner will help make our lives easier in some way, taking some of the work out of what we used to have as individuals.
When our partner isn’t taking that load, and they’re not providing the support that we expect, it is acceptable to communicate that with your partner. Not doing so can create conflict and resentment.
However, we also have to be careful to recognize that our partner is a unique individual. They have their own talents and skillsets and abilities. When you’re requesting things from your partner, you have to be able to ask yourself “am I expecting my partner to be me?”
Different Individuals Means a Different Way of Thinking
Relationships are a single entity made up of two different individuals, each with their own background, their own history, their own abilities, and their own way of seeing the world.
Many people in a relationship find that they’re expecting their partners to see the world like they do. If one partner is stressed about a parent visiting, they expect the other partner to also be stressed. If one partner is excellent at keeping to a schedule, they expect the other partner to keep to a similar schedule. If one partner is a morning person, they expect their partner to also be a morning person.
Now, requesting change from your partner is often perfectly acceptable. If you are stressed because a parent is coming to visit, it is perfectly normal to request that a partner help you manage your stress, taking on some of the tasks and reducing some of your load.
However, some people find that they’re expecting their partner to BE them. If they kitchen needs to be cleaned before a guest visits, they expect their partner to:
- Worry that the kitchen is dirty.
- Clean it with urgency, thoroughly, using the products that they would use.
- Clean every part of the kitchen, without missing anything, because they know they would not miss any spots.
But the partner may not have this same reality. They may not be stressed. They may not be as good at seeing dirty areas or may not be good at picking the right cleaning products for the right areas.
We see this in a lot of ways, where one person expects a partner to drive like them, or to worry about medications like them, or to like the same TV as them. This tends to go beyond asking for more support or time, and instead reaches a stage where one partner expects the other partner to have their reality.
Relationships are two different people, and while it’s great to come together as a couple in your own ways, you also need to recognize that there are two people with two completely distinct abilities, backgrounds, memories, talents, traumas, and on and on.
Working on coming together within your relationship can be a great way to find the relationship more fulfilling and mutually supportive, but we also can’t expect our partners to be us. We’re with someone else for a reason, and that means recognizing that they bring different things to the relationship, and that’s okay.
