It’s difficult to go through any change. Marriage is one of the “biggest.” It’s a relationship commitment that completely alters the course of one’s life in many meaningful, often special ways.
So, it is not really a surprise that some people experience nervousness or apprehension about making this commitment. For the religious, this is one of the most important commitments you will ever make, but even the non-religious recognize how meaningful – legally and personally – a marriage is between two partners that love each other.
This nervousness can lead to people worrying about the commitment, and experiencing what we often call “Cold Feet.”
Cold Feet is Normal Even in Healthy Relationships
Commitment can be scary. It’s quite normal for couples to experience could feet even when they are truly compatible and madly in love. The move from dating to marriage is significant, and feeling a bit nervous about it or even having a bit of hesitation is normal.
But when is cold feet potentially abnormal? What are the situations in which it is indicative of deeper issues?
Recognizing Fear of Commitment
Cold feet is, essentially, the fear of Commitment. It often stems from a reluctance to make long-term promises or engagements due to uncertainties about the future or doubts about one’s ability to uphold commitments. Typical signs that cold feet are due to a fear of commitment include:
- Pattern of Avoidance – Regularly avoiding long-term plans or discussions about the future can indicate a fear of commitment.
- Anxiety About Being Trapped – Feeling panicked or excessively worried about losing personal freedom.
- Consistent Doubt – Continuously questioning whether you can fulfill the responsibilities associated with the commitment.
These feelings can be addressed through self-reflection, discussions with a partner, or professional counseling, which can help in understanding and managing these fears. Usually, a person genuinely wants to be married, but is specifically focused on the commitment part of the equation. Or they may not be sure about marriage, but know that if they HAD to be married, they would want to marry that person. In both cases, the focus isn’t on the relationship, but on the meaning of the next step. Usually, this indicates it is a normal, healthy nervousness.
Still, in these situations, you may want to still consider pre-marital counseling. It can be a great way to navigate the future together and make sure that you are on the same page.
Identifying Deeper Issues
Much of the time, cold feet is normal and not a sign that something is wrong with the relationship. But other times, that cold feet reflects more significant relationship or personal issues. For example, a person may be focused on:
- Fundamental Differences – Discrepancies in core values, life goals, or needs that create persistent conflict or dissatisfaction.
- Lack of Trust or Respect – Feeling that you cannot fully trust your partner or that there is a lack of respect in the relationship can be a significant red flag.
- Past Traumas or Negative Experiences – Previous relationships or childhood experiences that were traumatic can influence current feelings and behaviors, leading to hesitancy in making new commitments.
Now, these examples do not necessarily mean that your partner is not right for you, or that you should call off the marriage. What it means is that you’re just not on the same page *right now*. Once again, premarital counseling can help you figure these emotions and feelings out.
A challenge that we would want to avoid in these situations is marrying something without working these issues out. For example, a person that is worried about not having the same life goals, but then marries their partner anyway without addressing that concern, may end up holding that feeling against their partner – something that would cause problems with their marriage in the future.
Thus, if the focus of your cold feet or fear is on your partner as a person, or on the relationship as a whole – or if you have issues you need to work out with yourself first in order to truly give yourself to this marriage – then it may be a sign that something more is at play than just typical cold feet. It doesn’t necessarily mean you have to call off the wedding, but it does mean that you and your partner have things to talk about and work through.
Take Time to Reflect
Determining whether cold feet is a simple fear of commitment or a sign of deeper issues requires honest self-evaluation and communication. By addressing these feelings head-on, either through personal reflection or professional help, you can make a more informed decision about your readiness to commit or the need to resolve underlying issues before proceeding.
If you are getting married in the Long Island area, and you’d like to address any issues holding you back and make sure that you’re both on the same page with your relationship, please contact Right Path Counseling today. Our couples counselors are here to help you with the transition to marriage, or talk to you about issues that are holding you back.
