Holidays are around the corner, and that means that many of us are about to see family that we may not have seen that often throughout the year – often for an extended period of time. For some people, that can be a joyous experience. But for others, it can be one that is filled with stress.
Our team at Right Path was recently featured on an article for Redfin about how to deal with family when conflicts arise during the holidays. Let’s expand on that to remind people something important about this holiday season – that it’s also okay to set boundaries, even with family.
About Setting Boundaries
Many families have rough, often difficult histories. In some, there has been trauma. In others, siblings or parents are estranged. There are some families that only get together out of tradition. Others that get together for the kids, but would rather be elsewhere. Many, many families have their own unique challenges.
We often feel like, because people are family, we have to treat them differently than we would other people in our lives. But everyone has their own boundaries:
- What conversation topics are off limits?
- What are we willing and unwilling to do together as a family?
- What and who are we comfortable with?
Our “Boundaries” are the stated and clear things we’re willing to do and talk about. Examples might be “I am not going to talk about the divorce” or “I am not going to stay if I see you’ve been drinking.” Boundaries can be action related, like “I am happy to help with dinner, but do not ask me to do all the cooking.” They can also be emotional, such as “I’d like us to keep this topic off limits, and we can chat about it at another time.”
At family gatherings where there is risk of conflict, setting these boundaries can go a long way towards helping prevent challenges.
Keeping Boundaries
Setting boundaries is important everywhere – not only at family gatherings, but also at work, in relationships, and so on.
But it’s one thing to set a boundary. It is another to keep it. A boundary that we allow people to cross is not a boundary, it is a suggestion.
Of course, forcing people to respect our boundaries can be difficult, and it can be almost equally as difficult to leave a family gathering. In those situations, have a plan. One thing you can do is try to divert conversations away from the topic quickly, so that the boundary isn’t truly crossed and it doesn’t become a place of conflict.
Let’s look at an example of how to do that. Imagine the topic of conversation you’d like to avoid is the parent’s divorce. If one parent says something snarky about the other parent, you can interrupt, state something like “that’s a topic for another time, but I do want to talk about…” and then bring up a separate, less stressful topic to avoid a conflict.
In situations where boundaries are crossed and the issue is not avoided or diverted, then there is nothing wrong with sticking to your boundaries and removing yourself from the situation. Your mental health comes first, before family and before the holidays.
Address Stressful Situations with Right Path Counseling
The holidays can still be a little stressful, but they should not be problematic. If you have a family history that has led to struggles with your mental health, please reach out to Right Path Counseling, today. We can talk to you about establishing boundaries, address family conflicts of the past, and make sure that you’re able to handle any stresses that may arise. Serving Long Island and based in Jericho, we are happy to talk to you about your mental health needs. Please contact us today to get started.
